Letter from a Dog

The other day, I received a piece of correspondence in a legal sized "envelope," really a piece of construction paper folded and taped with packing tape, addressed in crayon in the writing of a child. No return address. Curiouser and curiouser.

I had to cut it open with a knife, and inside was an unsigned, typewritten letter. I knew instantly who'd written it, because the author referred to my dog, Bill, as "Sir William of the White Lawns" and I know only one person who does that. The letter informed me that my dog had learned to use a computer, and written the story of his life. "He doesn't type well because his paws are too wide, and his nails (he refers to them as his "claws") get in the way."

I share the the text of that letter here, unedited. It is relevant to the story how feebly I hail Bill when he's run off into the woods behind my house. I clap twice and say "Bill, come here." He rarely, if ever, complies. You might need to have a 9-year career reading the writing of students with disabilities to decode this letter, but if you try hard enough, you will surely laugh from the belly, until tears come out of your eyes. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you have to know Sir William of the White Lawns personally to get it. Do let me know.

                                            my life asd clapc lapb illec om ehere.

My bnanme isz c lapclap b iloycomkehere. I found a person dwebrqa wjhere I livgfed wjhen I wazs b orn. I saw debrqa and tolldx her I was her dovgv. My name was boy when I was boern and debr4qa named mje c lap clap bill c omehere. Mty sjort name is nobil.

Ilove debra.she lovews me. we libve in a gungle but she doesn't go in there sdhe like her box kmore than to live in a gun gle. She wsmells so good. She put hot wqatfe3rf on me and made me smell baed.i still smell bnad and feel baed. Ican get under the3 couch next time. When I had anotnhner houjse I hade to go to I would poop in teh carf. Inever poop in debrazcar I lovedd debra and debrqa lovfedsmed. I dont let people hurt debrfa. She hqas monsterrfsz that are afdrid of me.thwey come in and hide evedrywhere wjhen ewee go outrsdide but ialways find them rmonsters rhright awazy and mazke them diee. The enf. Clsapclapbiklcomhere.

This regal animal is literate, too.