The Xmas Letter

My mom is the expert at Xmas letter writing. She's not one of those people who shrinks the font and expands the margins so she can fit every last detail of all 365 days on both sides of the candy-cane bordered quality paper from Office Max. No. She is brief. She is chipper. And she does that thing that everyone seems to do - she brags about her kid. I am 46 and haven't lived at home in 27 years but my antics are still prominently featured and yeah, I kind of love it.

Recently, my mom attended an Xmas Letter Writing Workshop. Yes, there is someone out there teaching people how to do it (and it isn't my master mom). My secret fantasy is that this teacher concentrates on brevity and the limits of braggadocio. "Cut it by 75%" she says in a commanding voice to gasps of horror across the room. I admit, I'm throwing pebbles inside my champagne glass home, having been the guilty writer of more than one overlong, over-boastful Xmas letter. But let's not dwell on my shortcomings...

Back to other people's letters, the senders with the incredibly perfect lives. Their children are in AP Honors classes and winning soccer trophies. They themselves have just purchased their second Mercedes SLS. It's all yang and no yin, all pictures of beaming, beautiful children. You are left to wonder what your old friends, the letter-writers, look like, and you just have to assume they are wrinkly and fat. (Unless they're working out at Crossfit and running the Ironman. Then, you'll see their photos, too.)

Wouldn't you love to get an Xmas letter someday that says, "This year, my husband left me for a man and my kids dropped out of MIT to deal crystal meth"? The only problem with that is, should such a letter ever arrive, it'll conclude: "Everything's worked out fabulously - my husband's lover just redecorated my home and my kids? They're making more money than they ever would have with college degrees so ... they're flying us all to Tahiti! Happy Holidays, Everyone!!!"

I've decided not to send an Xmas letter, and not just because there's been an inordinate amount of yin in my life lately. I usually try to never say never, but I'm not sure I'll ever write another Xmas letter. It just doesn't fit my plans, which are to write, and continue writing postcards and personal correspondence for the rest of my life. Why jumble it all up with a form letter?

If you hear from me this holiday season, it'll be something like you'd get any other day of the year.

However. I still want your Xmas letters, each and every one of them. Especially if your husband's a secret homosexual and your kids successful drug dealers. As Dorothy Parker famously said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me."