Advice From the Road

Seven Dos and Don’ts for moving from South Texas to South Carolina with just four days to do it in early August:

1. DON'T caravan. Tow the car. The tow dolly from U-Haul costs $82 and is worth it for saving money on gas. More importantly, you and your partner will keep each other company for the trip and, if you let it, this will be super fun.

2. DO play the Waffle House Game whenever you are on the interstate. DON'T get discouraged, even if on the way from SC to ST you lost miserably (him: 34, you: 31). Consider the humiliation excellent training for your eyes. It might surprise you how powerful your Waffle House Radar can get after participating in the location of 65 Waffle Houses. (On our return trip, which only involved interstate from Montgomery, Alabama and beyond, it was like I had a sixth sense for that telltale yellow and black sign. Final score: Me: 19, him: 13.)

3. DO stop at the Crossroads Grocery in the tiny hamlet of Burkesville, Texas for barbecue. It’s more or less the last stop before Louisiana and let’s just admit it, there’s no barbecue on earth better than Texas barbecue so you’ve got to have some before you say farewell. The Crossroads is a 50’s style mom-and-pop place where you might get waited on by the owners’ 10-year-old daughter Kalie, who might be dressed head-to-toe in Hannah Montana attire and give you the best service you’ll have for the entire trip. DON'T be disappointed if they don’t actually have any barbecue, or if the specials board isn’t accurate either. (“Sorry, that’s yesterday’s. We got chicken fried steak today.”)

4. DON'T be alarmed when you can't get the van out of park outside the Crossroads Grocery Store - even when it has just occurred to you that the nearby town of Jasper was the scene of a horrible racial incident in recent history and you have a big bold TEXANS FOR OBAMA sticker emblazoned across the back of your Nissan. DO read the Kia's owner's manual and DON'T be tentative when you ram the screwdriver into the little access hole next to the drive shaft. DO pat yourselves on the back at how cool you remained in this crisis and how amusing you find it that you now have to use a screwdriver everytime you want to put the van in drive.

Side Note: DO laugh when your boyfriend explains to the curious (and unintelligible) owner why our South Carolina van is towing a Texas car by saying, “Yup, I had to go all the way to Texas to find the woman of my dreams” and the curious owner, suddenly intelligible, scoffs and says sarcastically, “Yeah, for now…”

5. DO read Harry Potter aloud when you're not driving. This is an excellent way to pass the time and adds a challenging dimension to the Waffle House Game. The immense sense of pride you will feel each time you get the Waffle House point while simultaneously reading from The Deathly Hallows is - there’s no other word for it - simply intoxicating.

6. DO stop in Natchez, Mississippi and stay at the historic Natchez Eola Hotel. Natchez is a cute, small, charming town on the Mississippi River that’s managed to avoid ruthless commercialization. I’m telling you. Natchez made me fall in love with Mississippi.

7. And should you find yourself near Augusta, GA on I-20 at the Belair exit, DO NOT eat at the Popeye’s, even if one of your party has been craving Popeye’s red beans and rice for the past four states. You’ll wait so long you’ll have time to question the meaning of “fast food” several dozen times, each with greater intensity. You’ll then have to return to the counter to instruct the server every step of the way on how to place your red beans and rice in the container and how many pieces of chicken you said you wanted in the box. When you leave, you might make the mistake of using the bathroom and discovering someone in a Popeye’s uniform doing pushups on the floor in there and muttering about trying to stay warm. When he abruptly returns to work without washing his hands, that image will come back to haunt you roughly 18 hours later, when your guts go into constrictive turmoil for the duration of the morning.