Suck it Up and Deal

Why do people in their twenties seem to think that people in their thirties are just a spoonful of Metamucil away from ordering off the senior menu at Denny’s? You’ve heard em talking about the impending Big Three-Oh like it’s a missile … and they’re the target. And oooh … when it strikes? Well, if they’re not careful they’ll suddenly and inexplicably find themselves clipping coupons for stretch pants, antacid and those extra large boxes of All-Bran cereal.

Young people – and by that I mean you twenty-somethings out there all bound up worrying about getting old – I’m here to offer you my services. In my instructional DVD entitled “Suck it Up and Deal: How to Turn 30 Without the Whining” I’ll reveal an easy-to-follow plan which hinges upon the principles that (1) Life is precious and worth living to its fullest and (2) to go on living means ya gotta age – so you may as well try to enjoy it.

Now … for a limited time only you can have this amazing DVD for just … yes … only $29.99.

Just how much hair dye, wrinkle cream and Rogaine with Minoxidil do you think you can buy for $29.99? How many Botox injections, liposuctions, nips and tucks and lifts? You spend it on the outside and 30 bucks is … oh … about enough to get your pinky looking 25 … for a week. But you give me the money and I’ll help not just your body but your whole being … for a lifetime.

I’ll start by teaching you how to ingest all of that power you’ve been giving to the idea of aging badly and turn it into something I like to call self-esteem. And not that cocksure, know-it-all, blustery bravado you pretended was confidence throughout your twenties, either, but the genuine, bonafide, real McCoy.

But wait, there’s more! Buy now and I’ll throw in the companion booklet “Snivel No More – Stuff That Doesn’t Occur To You Until You’re 40.” Here’s a sneak preview: you actually have to listen. And I mean really listen, too, not that foot-tapping, eye-roaming pretense that tells everyone over 30 that you are barely capable of waiting for your turn to talk. If you actually listen to … oh … say … me for example … I’ll have you letting go of that juvenile notion that life is an all-night rave through which you can continually exceed your body’s natural limits of ecstasy. I’ll show you that life is more like a casual dinner party at which you are the host, drinking California wine that costs a bit more and sampling – in small, but ever satisfying portions – every morsel you can from the buffet table.

Follow my program and in just a few short weeks I’ll have you not only sipping finer wine but eating better, reading better books and making the kind of love epic poems are written about. You’ll stop wasting your time on emotional leeches who suck the very air out of a room and find yourself someone who’s actually worth what precious little time you got left.

All this for just $29.99, satisfaction guaranteed. Suck it up and deal and order now! You can’t afford not to!